Resources (temp)

Parental Guilt

Topic key points 

  • There is a saying that goes ‘when you give birth to a child, you give birth to guilt,’ and although some may see that as slightly dramatic, parental guilt is a common and significant experience for many people.  
  • As a coach, especially if you are supporting a client transition in or out of parental leave, it is likely that you may need to help them understand and navigate parental guilt.  
  • The resources on this page provide some useful tools to share with clients on this journey.  

Introduction to Topic 

Although parental guilt is extremely common, research has found that too much guilt can lead to a range of consequences like fatigue, stress, poor mental health, disrupted sleep, shame and rage.  

The “motherhood myth.” is the assumption that guilt is an acceptable maternal experience as it indicates ‘true investment’ in the role. However, this myth is not necessarily true nor is it helpful, and as a coach you can help clients explore and challenge their beliefs around parental guilt.  

There can be lots of triggers for feeling guilty, but some common ones include:  

  • Aggression toward an offspring including the thought of being aggressive or actual aggression. ​ 
  • Exiting thoughts; thoughts of wanting to have a break from the child, including RTW.  
  • Absence from the offspring; physical absence or mental absence.​ 
  • Motherhood myth; societal expectations and own perceptions of one’s ability to be a ‘good enough’ mother’ 

Triggers like the above can lead to a range of guilt-themed thoughts such as:  

  • I should have handled that more calmly.  
  • I should have spent more time with them.  
  • I should have let them sleep with me.  
  • I should have bought them that toy.  
  • I should have hugged them good night.  
  • I should have built that LEGO house with him.  
  • I should have coloured that picture with him when he asked.  
  • I should have cooked a healthy meal instead of ordering in pizza.  
  • I should have planned a better birthday party.  
  • I should have done more.  
  • I should have tried harder.  
  • I should have been better.  

Notice the amount of ‘should’ statements in the above examples. Highlighting this to clients can be a helpful way to begin to challenge some of these thoughts. Where did this ‘should’ come from? Whose expectations/standards are we trying to meet?  

As a coach, there are several things that can be helpful when addressing parental guilt including 

  • Exploring and challenging beliefs 
  • Helping clients to reflect on their own experience of guilt. How often have you felt this guilt in the last two weeks? What was the context/antecedents to feeling that way?  
  • Encouraging clients to scheduled and engage in pleasant activities  
  • Support clients to join relevant communities or groups that can help them to feel less alone/isolated in their experiences 
  • Encourage clients to engage in self-care activities like journaling, exercise, taking deep breaths and/or meditation  
  • Validating and normalising a client’s experience  

Resources on this page 

  • Phase 3 coaching template
  • Mother guilt presentation slides
  • ABC model worksheet 
  • Pleasant activities
  • Pleasant events schedule 
  • COPE, coping with parental guilt guide
  • Psychology Tools ‘Should Statements’ worksheet  
  • Thought Defusion Techniques

Podcasts that clients may find helpful:  

Copy for Clients  

As we discussed, experiencing parental guilt is an extremely common experience in which you are certainly not alone. Although it can be a painful experience there are some things that can help. I have included some resources that you may find useful. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions, otherwise we can chat more about the topic next session.